Friday, November 26, 2010


A night out with my boyfriend. Awkward and frustrating. I am just tired of us communicating through text. I want real life. Geeks ... don't care. I want adventure... he's a homebody. Our personalities mesh, but our end goals don't. I just want to talk. Wouldn't anyone love to be so interesting to someone that their brain is picked? You'd think... you'd think. I wonder if a good course of action is to spend tomorrow on me... so I'm missed.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My hitlist

I'm not sure why, but I had a particularly slutty year and I need to get it off my chest:
my ex of 1.5 years
the african guy in my dorm building
the transexual (guy to girl)
the model
the polish creep (in France)
the spaniard (in France)
the superhottie sports fan
the hometown richboy
my future husband (current boyfriend)

9... that's more than I thought. I'm trying to figure out what I can salvage from putting myself through that.

New Lows

A couple weeks ago, I did something flat-out-stupid. I went to a complete stranger's apartment. Why?! you ask? Well, it was an invitation. Maybe I have a problem saying no?

It was a long day of hostessing and I got invited for a drink coincidentally the moment I was told I can go home. The customer who invited me out had chatted me up a couple times while checking out at my restaurant - and once to show me his blood-splattered Dexter costume. He also called me sexy when I was in my pirate costume at work. A little compliment like that had a great impact, it seems.

So I meet up with the customer & he says the drinks are at his house. I try to drag him into a local bar, but he is uncomfortable & we walk back out into the street. I forward the customer's info to my boyfriend in case of rape or murder. I feel so strongly that I should find some reason to cancel-any. But I seem to be in a trance and my legs are moving without my permission. My heartbeat seems missing, instead of thumping harder. I feel more like dead meat the closer I get to his apartment. Once inside, it didn't seem so strange. Door pull-ups & pullies. He gives me a quick tour and I make note of all the exits. I'm trying to keep a calm expression on my face. We have a little champagne, he made sure to open the bottle in front of me - and we talk about school, careers, work. I "inhale" as he says my pasta from work and it's time to go. He offered to give me a ride, but I said one thing at a time.

My boyfriend (of then a few days) was in shock, not upset at me, just in shock. I didn't feel any emotions or panic. It wasn't terribly interesting or exciting. This lack of emotions or extreme involved in this odd situation frightens me more than the scenario.

I've felt zombied out for a long, long time.

The Model

My most memorable victim this year was a model. Let's just call him "model boy".

I had a different crew of friends this summer. I don't know why I suddenly decided people of my own age & area were acceptable buddies (later learned not really), but it was a surreal environment of suddenly being back in high school, but with alcohol. A random text invitation to a pool party surfaced on my phone. I was a yeswoman this year. Besides, who says no to a pool party?

And there he was. Ten times hunkier than I remembered from high school stood "model boy". He gave me a gaze that I knew meant he was interest, no enthralled. At some point during the party I asked him to help me remove the skinny jeans that were stuck around my ankles. I think... that was the ok sign for him.

I've never seen someone with such lovely dark olive skin, or such a perfectly defined body. He even proved to be witty, driven, made beats that were like soulful lullabies. I've never seen such a sexy walk since then.

Eventually I learned that I was competing for him again another girl, someone 3 years older. I DON'T compete. I wish acknowledging a bad situation was strength enough to move on completely with one's life. The worst part was knowing someone else had him simultaneously. He seamlessly moved on, while I devoted 80% of my thoughts to him.

I babied myself in order to keep from going batty... and several months later I am still babying myself. When is it time to kick it into high gear?

It's about time

Welcome to my blog. Well... my newest one. I want to be as anonymous as possible so I can be as candid as possible. I think I've had an interesting year to reflect on - as well as a few major milestones just up ahead.

This was a world-wind year, culminating in my current state of affairs: living with my ex boyfriend's family. I also have quite a long hit list. 2010 is dead as far as I'm concerned.